My heart hurts

Just so everyone doesn't think that I've up and disappeared, I figured I'd better post SOMETHING. Well, I wish I had something happy or funny or warm and fuzzy...but I don't.
Tony and I have been having some issues that have actually been going on for a long time, but we are super good at ignoring them (kinda). So, the other night I suggested that we talk about some things because we weren't fighting about them and it just seemed like a good time.

I won't ramble on with the contents of the whole conversation, but I will summarize for you what we learned from our little chat...bullet style:

• Neither one of us is really feelin' the love right now
• We each go our own separate ways in our spare time
• We are the best of friends...and want to keep it that way
• I would like to get married and start a family...some time kind of soon
• Tony doesn't know if he wants to get married and have kiddos...ever
• Tony's priority in life at this moment is work (his job and his rental properties)
• I tend to have an attitude quite a lot because I'm not happy and I take it out on Tony
• Like, major 'tude
• We aren't really sure where we see ourselves in five years
• Lastly, we don't know if things are going to work out, but we don't want to end up hating each other and would rather just be friends if nothing else.

So, I guess you could say that (in a nutshell) Tony has quite a bit on his plate (that he didn't have before) and I have had to become second banana. This turn of events has caused me a great deal of hurt so I lash out.

The hardest part is that we really do love each other very much and don't want to turn our backs on each other. I think this might be a little harder on me because if we would decide to end our relationship I would have to move...and I don't deal well with big changes. Also, try finding somewhere to rent with a big dog like Buddy. I would be absolutely crushed to have to make that kind of transition without my dog at least.

As of right now everything is up in the air. We've talked (a really good talk) and we are just trying to figure things out. So, I my posting is more sporadic than usual this is why.

Monday, Monday

I really want to thank you guys for cheering me up with your kind words regarding the last post. It really helped, so THANK YOU!!! I found a way to make myself feel better about the dinner situation. I told Tony that if he didn't like the menu, by all means cook your own. He said that's fine with him and I asked what we were having for dinner tonight and he informed me that I have to make my own...I just laughed at him. That's fine with me, but just wait till I tell him he has to shop for his own food ;0p. He hates the grocery store. He may think he can be more stubborn, but he has underestimated my intelligence on this.

As far as my grandpa...Well, my Mom and I went to visit him on Saturday. The new place that he is in is HUGE. It took us 30-40 minutes to get there from my house, so it wasn't too bad. It took us a while to find his room...there are just so many wings and hallways. So, when we finally found the right room, he had just come back from having lunch.

I noticed right away how sad he looked. I am sure that the change was hard for him as it would be for anyone, but I think he is uneasy. Saturday was his fourth day in there and the only place that he had gone was the dining room, which is just across the hall from his room. He is afraid to leave his room because he doesn't think he could find his way back. He also gets very winded, so for him to get all the way to the elevator is really draining for him.

I hope that once he gets a bit more settled he will do better. He has a nice roommate so maybe they will pal around together...I hope so!

I hope everyone had a great weekend! What did everyone do for Father's Day? Did anyone do anything exciting, or was it just relaxing?

I'm overwhelmed

I feel like I have been chasing my tail lately. I can't seem to get anything done and I just feel anxious. I have noticed that within the last six years or so that I have developed an emotional issue that is sometimes very hard to deal with.

I have said before that I tend to be emotional, but not in an extreme sense. Chalk it up to being a very soft hearted person I guess. But when too many things happen in a short amount of time, I tend to lock down, get mopey, avoid people, and just generally keep to myself. I was never that way when I was younger ;0(. Anyway, I haven't been myself lately and I'm feeling a bit...lost, shall we say.

My dear grandfather has been in assisted living since last July and it has not agreed with him. He gets quite depressed and has had some health problems as I have written about before. On Wednesday he was moved to a full care nursing home. This is definitely in his best interest but there is no getting around the fact that his health is not getting any better. So, that has been upsetting, but I had been doing OK with the help of the family.

Also, Tony and I haven't spoken to each other all week and have been avoiding all contact (we are so mature). We rarely fight about anything so usually when there is an argument or one of us gets mad about something we ignore each other for a few hours then things are fine and we talk. Only this time I'm not willing to shrug everything off. Let me first say that I can take constructive criticism. I can also handle offhanded snide comments....from other people. But when a comment was made by Tony that was at best a mean jab really really hurt my feelings. The issue at hand was what we were having for dinner (beef cubes, rice, and carrots) and when we started eating I noticed he wasn't eating the beef and asked why. He could've very easily (and nicely) said that he didn't like it but instead he informed me that it tasted "like shit". He could've handled it better is all I'm saying.

So, this is why I have been hiding. I should be fine in a few days, so sorry for being such a drag. Is it me or does it seem like everyone has been posting less often? Must be the nice weather. ;0) Also, happy early Fathers' Day to any Dads out there!

Friendship

On July 4, 1996 (I was 17) while on my way home from a friends house I lost control of my car on a sharp corner and crashed into a tree. My face hit the steering wheel because I had some slack in my seatbelt. My mouth was bleeding really bad and my face was starting to swell...but somehow I managed not to break any of my teeth thank goodness!

I bet you are wondering what the hell this has to do with friendship. Well, the accident doesn't have anything to do with it, but what happened AFTER the accident does, so bear with me.

My parents took me to the hospital, because why call an ambulance (this was before everyone had cell phones) when you can call your parents and really freak them out. So, we get into the ER and I am bleeding all over myself. The doctor is checking me out and discovers the reason for all the blood is a tear/hole under my top lip and into my cheek. I know this sounds nasty, but there were no external cuts on my face, this was on the inside. So, they get me all cleaned up and send me home.

I am obviously very sore and shook up after all of this, and I don't remember much after getting home. The next day is kind of blurry too. I'm not sure if one of my friends had called the house or if my mom called my friend Lora. Throughout the rest of the day the phone rang off the hook with my friends calling to check on me which made me feel better. I couldn't talk well as my lip and cheek were swollen, but I made due.

I honestly don't remember if it was that night or the next, but I was laying on the couch and I heard a car coming up our driveway...make that four cars. The gang had showed up to see how I was and cheer me up!!! We (my dad actually) built a fire in the fire ring in the back yard and we all sat around talking. Everyone was trying to make me laugh, but whenever I would try to smile my mouth would bleed.

That is a great memory for me because all my friends were there when I really needed it. It is a shame that over the years and as we all grow up, that sometimes those friendships fade.

"The gang"...that sounds funny...was mostly guys at that time. Four girls and seven guys. They were the friends that would stop what they were doing to help you if you needed it, or would go out and raise hell with you. Those were some good times....wait, the best times.

Most of us have lost touch for the most part. This is the part that makes me sad. I still see three people quite often, but the others...I haven't seen them in years. Why is it that it happens this way? It's curious. It happens to everyone in some capacity, but I really wish sometimes that I could go back, even just for a day, and relive some of the fun that we had. I could write so much more about this but....maybe some other time.

All about Missy

Adam has tagged me once again to answer some questions, so here you go A-bomb ;0)

1. What was I doing 10 years ago? Hmm...Ten years ago I was 18 and graduating High School. It really doesn't seem that long ago, but boy does time fly. I was working at Wawa at the time (I think).

2. What was I doing 1 year ago? 1 year ago we were still trying to get settled into our new house and get some house projects finished. Needless to say we still have a lot to do ;0)

3. Five snacks I enjoy: Mint Chocolate chip ice cream, any kind of fresh fruit, soft pretzels, shrimp pasta salad, pirogies.

4. Five songs to which I know all the lyrics: I am kind of a freak when it comes to song lyrics. I memorize songs very easily. I know all the lyrics to so many songs I don't know where to begin. I have been known to demonstrate my talent for singing along to all the songs on my ipod much to the detriment of whoever is with me at the time ;0p

5. Five things I would do if I were a millionaire: I would pay off all of my/our bills, pay off my parent's/sister's debt, set up college funds for my nieces, I would invest, and of course...I would shop!!!

6. Five Bad Habits: I procrastinate all of the time, I have a mouth (sometimes) that would make a trucker and/or a sailor blush, quick temper, eating late at night, laziness.

7. Five things I like doing: Swimming, playing with the dog, fishing, going to new places to explore, spending time with family.

8. Five things I would never wear again: Oh my lets see...Big hair (the ozone is thanking me), pegged pants, scrunchie socks to match your outfit that were bunched up over said pegged pants, eye patches...When I was little I had to wear patches on my one eye because I had a lazy eye, and the patches were meant to strengthen the weak eye...I hated those things. And last would be any of the crazy colors of eye makeup that I used to love.

9. Five favorite toys: Toys huh? Well, my mp3 players, my computer,....I am really drawing a blank on this one...I guess my Xbox, how about my bathing suit because that means I get to go swimming, and I guess my fishing gear.

Alright, now that everyone sees how awesome I really am (sarcasm) I guess I am supposed to tag some people, but I will leave it open. If you would like to participate please do so and let me know. If you don't want to that's OK too. No one will come after you or anything.

So, on a scale of 1-10 how much of a freak am I? I read over these answers and think to myself ..."Good Lord you are dull" ;0) I hope everyone's Tuesday goes well!

Goals

I have decided to try to make some small changes in my daily routine/life to try to be, for lack of a better word, better. Now, there are actually lots of things that I would like to accomplish, so the list may seem a bit over zealous, but if I can accomplish a few I will be happy. I don't expect to do everything all at once and my list is simply a guideline.

The list:

• Try a new recipe once a week (or once every other week).
• Walk the dog more often or go for longer walks...it's good for both of us.
• Smile at everyone you come in contact with...even if you are having a crappy day...you might cheer someone else up.
• Clean one room/area of the house per day so that by the weekend it's all done and time can be made for fun stuff.
• Be more selfless/less selfish.
• Actually use my sewing machine instead of watching it collect dust.
• Learn Spanish (again)...I had 4 years of Spanish in school but would like to brush up and learn Latin American Spanish
• Take a dance class
• Take Buddy to obedience training (this is probably a lost cause, but it would be funny)
• Be less hard on myself for my flaws and just keep trying to improve
• Be less lazy ;0p
• Go to bed a little earlier and get up a little earlier so I don't have to rush in the morning.

Well, I'm sure that I could come up with some more, but I think this is enough to start with. Anyone have any tips or advice for any of these things? How about any goals or accomplishments that you want to achieve? I may be a bit optimistic with my list, but as I said it is just a guideline for me to try.

I hope everyone has a great weekend! It is supposed to be overcast with possible rain all weekend, but we need rain. So, maybe I will dust off the sewing machine...;0) Happy Friday!